It's a funny kind of experience this blogging caper?
In many ways it feels the same as making a new friend.
Although most people wouldn't guess it to meet me, & in fact people that I have had a conversation with in regard to it didn't actually believe me, I am incredibly shy.
I think the reason people don't believe me is that I'm not exactly quiet, I probably talk way too much in fact (Probably???).
So I guess I do a good job of hiding it any way... Even if it doesn't feel like it!
Also, the more it matters to me what someone thinks of me, the more I tease them. This is a terrible habit I've tried to break with as yet no success.
I honestly am inwardly cringing quite constantly through the entirety of just about any conversation I have. Ever.
In some ways I find it easy to 'let people in' but I have come to realise that although I perhaps make a show of doing so in that I quite constantly tell my friends & family (with complete truthfulness might I add) how much I value them & how much I love them, realistically, there is maybe 3 people who actually know me.
I'm not imagining for a second that this is something that only I do. I know a lot of people do the same thing (if not everyone?), I find as it's something I am so aware of doing that I find it quite easy to recognize when others are doing it too.
It is a strange thing that we would protect ourselves & build walls against something as wonderful as friendship & genuine human connection but so very understandable at the same time?
There is a quote that I first read when I was about 14(?) that has always stayed with me although I don't know who it is by...
" To reveal myself openly & honestly, takes the rawest kind of courage.
If I expose my nakedness as a person to you, do not make me feel shame.
Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?
I am afraid to tell you who I am, because, if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am... & it is all I have. "
Quite a sad thing that I have yet to move on from something that as a teenager I recognized as something that could be improved upon, but I guess that sometimes the most obvious & day to day lessons are the hardest to learn.
While I was trying to find that quote in order to check that I was remembering it correctly (that took a fair bit of burrowing through old journals!) I came across this one as well...